I Have Seen The Future
And it is truly bleak.
And when I say I've seen the future, I don't mean I've caught snatches of convenience store line conversations through the mists of time, and I don't mean I've bilked someone through the crude trickery of palmistry or the tarot.
Nay, I have unearthed scrolls of eldritch learning, scrolls of such power that to merely leaf through them in the dentist's waiting room without first performing the required ablutions and meditations is to be driven mad -- yea, mad as fuck.
I have strode between the boles of the forest of infinity, smelled the rich peat of ancient fens... releived myself in the underbrush for what seemed like forever.
And I return with knowledge that will shake our world to its core, pull up its shirt and give it some kind of geological pink-belly.
The PlayStation 3 will never be released.
Yes, I know. We all know that sometime in February 2006 we'll see a press release postponing the release of this system, and assuring us that Sony is using this time to make really sure that the PS3's revolutionary cell processor will pecker-slap the Xbox 360 six ways from Sunday. And we'll expect two more delays, in May and August, but we'll all rest easy at night, confident that by the pre-Christmas buying rush, we'll all be ruining our lives with the best video game system this side of a holodeck.
But we won't. I've seen it. I've been there. We'll just get another delay excuse. And another trailer for Vision Gran Turismo and Metal Gear Solid 4. In fact, they'll give us trailers to the sequels to thise games. Sony Computer Entertainment close all its factories in a startlingly Wonkaesque worldwide layoff, but will continue to produce rendered trailers for its non-games, and insist that in March 2012, we'll all be blown away by the Cell architecture, which was stolen and marketed by AMD in 2007 simply because SCE had fired its legal department and its technicians. The final release, the last thing the world will see from Sony, will be video of its president, Ken Kutaragi, donning traditional seppuku robes and slitting his belly with the razor-sharp PS3 prototype controller. Gamers all over the world will weep for the loss of aout two-party console political system (Nintendo's still all about the kiddie games in the future, by the way), and bellow in rage as they finally realize that however cool the Xbox is, all the extra media crap it does (that you paid a hundred extra dollars for) is all shit that your computer can do anyway, and your computer has a mouse. I have even foreseen my own death. The medical examiner will not be able to tell whether I died from the overdose of Tylenol #2 I took, from choking on the receipt of my brand new Xbox 720, or from drowning in the toilet, somehow.
And when I say I've seen the future, I don't mean I've caught snatches of convenience store line conversations through the mists of time, and I don't mean I've bilked someone through the crude trickery of palmistry or the tarot.
Nay, I have unearthed scrolls of eldritch learning, scrolls of such power that to merely leaf through them in the dentist's waiting room without first performing the required ablutions and meditations is to be driven mad -- yea, mad as fuck.
I have strode between the boles of the forest of infinity, smelled the rich peat of ancient fens... releived myself in the underbrush for what seemed like forever.
And I return with knowledge that will shake our world to its core, pull up its shirt and give it some kind of geological pink-belly.
The PlayStation 3 will never be released.Yes, I know. We all know that sometime in February 2006 we'll see a press release postponing the release of this system, and assuring us that Sony is using this time to make really sure that the PS3's revolutionary cell processor will pecker-slap the Xbox 360 six ways from Sunday. And we'll expect two more delays, in May and August, but we'll all rest easy at night, confident that by the pre-Christmas buying rush, we'll all be ruining our lives with the best video game system this side of a holodeck.
But we won't. I've seen it. I've been there. We'll just get another delay excuse. And another trailer for Vision Gran Turismo and Metal Gear Solid 4. In fact, they'll give us trailers to the sequels to thise games. Sony Computer Entertainment close all its factories in a startlingly Wonkaesque worldwide layoff, but will continue to produce rendered trailers for its non-games, and insist that in March 2012, we'll all be blown away by the Cell architecture, which was stolen and marketed by AMD in 2007 simply because SCE had fired its legal department and its technicians. The final release, the last thing the world will see from Sony, will be video of its president, Ken Kutaragi, donning traditional seppuku robes and slitting his belly with the razor-sharp PS3 prototype controller. Gamers all over the world will weep for the loss of aout two-party console political system (Nintendo's still all about the kiddie games in the future, by the way), and bellow in rage as they finally realize that however cool the Xbox is, all the extra media crap it does (that you paid a hundred extra dollars for) is all shit that your computer can do anyway, and your computer has a mouse. I have even foreseen my own death. The medical examiner will not be able to tell whether I died from the overdose of Tylenol #2 I took, from choking on the receipt of my brand new Xbox 720, or from drowning in the toilet, somehow.
posted by I am being paid to do this at 12:44 PM
1 Comments:
I have also forseen your death. It will be so protracted and violent that the authorities will let your mother off easily by telling her you were sodomized in half by a horse.
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