I Define Myself By The Things I Intellectually Consume.

When I was a kid, there were cartoons I watched. They are as follows:

Thundercats
Lion-O and his pals are stranded on earth with a living mummy and a bunch of non-cat-type aliens, who fight each other for some reason instead of fucking off to opposite corners of the earth. Watching as an adult, this show now has a bizarrely sexual undertone, in an Anne Rice kind of way. But that's okay, because Panthro can just come along and nunchuck the shit out of everybody.

Transformers
One sentence suffices to explain the bossness of this show: When they made it into a movie, they tapped the voice talents of Eric Idle (from Monty Python's Flying Circus), Leonard Nimoy, Orson Welles, AND Judd Nelson. No nunchucks, though.

G.I. Joe
Knowing is half the battle. Another show designed to sell action figures... which is fine by me.

Marshall Bravestarr
This was what's known in the sci-fi community as a space western. There was an obviously American cowboy-type sherriff guy on a planet called New Texas. No shit. Oh, and he had these sort of Native-guy superpowers. Eyes of the hawk, ears of the wolf, strength of the bear, speed of the puma. But there was this elaborate ceremony thing he had to do, with several dramatic shots used over and over again, before he could use any of those powers, which he could only use one at a time. And he had this advisor dude named Shaman. So it had this undertone that you had to be one with the earth, et cetera. And there was this stuff called Kerium, which was this rare crystal thing, so the whole planet turned into this mining camp, complete with saloons with batwing doors, and toothless miner rejects bitching about 'claim-jumpers'. And there was this drug, whose name eludes me, but there were a couple of episodes with heavy-handed anti-drug messages, too. Oh, and his sidekick was this horse-esque... thing. Named Thirty-thirty. And it transformed. Into a horse standing on its hind legs, holding a gun which we could only assume was a .30-30. And then sometimes it was just a gun, I think.

He-Man and the Masters Of The Universe
What I never got here was that there was clearly never a single character who could lay legitimate claim to the title 'master of the universe'. Skeletor barely had a handle on his swamp, and he occasionally minced over to the castle to get slapped down by He-Man, who never really gave a shit about anything except when Skeletor was trying to steal it. This show is notable for its ridiculous side characters. Beast-Man, the most frightening henchman (I guess), is a complete coward. Jaws can bite stuff, but if you don't stand there and let him bite you, he's screwed. Man-E-Faces can change his face so you don't recognize it, but he's still got a perfectly recognizable garbage can on his head to house the face-swapping apparatus. Two-Bad is twice as evil because he's got two heads... but he's only got the regular complement of armas and legs, so he's not really faster or more useful in combat than anybody else, plus he spends half the time arguing with himself. And the good huys aren't any better. I won't get into Mecha-Neck here, but Ram Man is just about as useful. Ditto Stratos. Man-At-Arms though, that guy could throw down. But he just had that helmet; he was so damn boring. The best part of this show was the terrible, terrible movie they made, with Dolph Lundgren and Courtney Cox.

She-Ra
Mistress of the universe? He-Man's cousin, or sister, she lived on another planet (in a universe without space travel, somehow), and this planet was full of generic amazon-looking women and one guy named Bow, who... shot a bow really good. Unlike He-Man's planet, which was all rocks and sand and mesas and shit, She-Ra-ville was full of butterflies and flowers and girly stuff. And the evil organization, the Horde, was run by this guy named... wait for it... Hordak. And he was totally Skeletor Lite.

Captain Planet and the Planeteers
Let's invent a clearly non-human, gloriously mulleted superhero to save the planet (?) and for the first 90% of the show, all we'll see are little Earth Day Mouseketeers wondering if they should do something. And then they'll call up Captain Planet, a big green guy, and he'll deliver a sermon about environmental responsibility! Yay! But hey, the man who gets the credit for this one is.... yes, the show was created by Ted Turner. Like a bisexual. But there was money involved, so look who was on the show: Martin Sheen, Dionne Warwick, Dean Stockwell, Sting, John Ratzenberger, Malcolm McDowell, Casey Kasem, Helen Hunt, Neil Patrick Harris, Lou Gossett, Jr, Jeff Goldblum, Danny Glover, Tim Curry, James Coburn, Ed Begley, Jr, Whoopi Goldberg and LeVar Burton. Which makes it cool.

Bionic Six
A guy is battling evil... guys... and his family is almost killed but then they all get the six million dollar man treatment, so everything's okay. Great toys, though, all die-cast metal action figures.

Chip & Dale's Rescue Rangers
Chip and Dale. Now they talk. And there's a guy named Monterey Jack, who, if you can believe this, has a thing for cheese. Get it? Monterey--anyway, there's this chick named Gadget, who makes these... gadgets... fuck.

Gargoyles
The single coolest cartoon ever. EVER. Had som nay wicked voice actors. Half the cast of Star Trek TNG, Clancy Brown (The Kurgan from Highlander), Ed Asner, Tim Curry, friggin everybody. It was awesome. Go watch it.

Animaniacs
They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught. Then we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot. Cool show. Warner brothers, so it's watchable by adults, even, with the jokes the kids don't get. Like Goodfeathers. What six-year old is going to get a reference to Goodfellas? And this was a regular sketch. Muy fantastico.

Tiny Toon Adventures
Similar, but more rabbit-oriented, and with small versions of the other Looney Tunes roster. Also very good.

Ninja Turtles
You had to dig it to know how cool this could be... and even if you did dig it, don't watch these as and adult. You'll think you were a retard as a child, and wonder if you still are today.

Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos
Yes, this was a show. Yes, he voiced himself.

Ghostbusters
Actually the name of the show was 'The REAL Ghostbusters'. I never understood how Slimer got to be a good guy.

Centurions
Bunch of dudes save the wrold by putting on jumpsuits with cyber-trailer-hitches all over them and bolting parts of planes and motorcycles and shit to themselves. No superpowers, just an orbiting space station. This show made no sense whatsoever. It was fantastic.

Smurfs
Only the French. The company is still up and running to this day. No smurf, man.

Gummi Bears
Bouncing here and there and everywhere. High adventure that's beyond compare. Goddamn, these Disney cartoons had catchy-ass theme songs, too.

Voltron
Voltron was the motherfucking bomb. I still want the lions. Right now.

Go-bots
Fuck Go-Bots.

Hulk Hogan's Rock'n'Wrestling
Remember this? The hulkster and Honky Tonk Man and Captain Lou Albano and Superfly Jimmy Snuka got together and partied until it got busted up by the Iron Shiek and Nikolai Volkoff. Bastards. And then an elaborate plot was set in motion to... dunk the Shiek and Volkoff in a cruise ship swimming pool, is how I seem to remember it.

Jem
Normally I wouldn't mention this, any more than I'd mention the New Kids On The Block cartoon, but I used to work with a 35-year-old woman who drove to Buffalo to buy the DVD box set the day it came out. Yes.

MASK
They transformed, but not into robots. How a motorcycle can become a helicopter is beyond be, but they marketed toys. Expensive as all holy hell, but very good quality.

ALF, McHale's Navy
These two get honorary cartoon status because they were on after school when i was in grade five.

Alf Tales
But they didn't call him ALF, because he hadn't come to earth yet. This was Melmac's own Gordon Shumway. Not a 'Yo, Willie' to be heard. Magic.

C.O.P.S.
I only remember one show front-to-back, and it was with the Canadian badguy, Mukluk something. Anyway, they went to the Yukon, and got there just in time to see him fall on his ass in a patch of ice. But it was a cool show.

Pro Stars
Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan and Bo Jackson, fighting crime with their sports skills. Oh, no, the door's locked! And the only way to unlock it is to jam that basketball-shaped key into the basketball-net-shaped lock most bodaciously! Wayne, you wanna take care of that?

Beetlejuice
Solid cartoon. Had a big hairy cowboy type, and a french skeleton. What more do we, as the viewing public, need?

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
Limited character growth, but it was nice to see things from the tomato's perspective.

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure
They took a cool movie with a slight historical lean to the plot, and turned it into a history lesson in a cartoon.

Tale Spin
You gotta love Baloo. It was like Wings, but with Jungle book characters. And the badguy was this Spanish-accented coyote called Don Karnage. Love it.

Darkwing Duck
Kind of like batman, if he was a duck.

Ren and Stimpy
Ask Joel about this one.

Freakazoid
Quite simply, the finest cartoon ever produced. Anybody who gets Ricardo Montalban to say, 'No, you are the weenie!' is cool by me.

Moving Sucks. And So Do Several Other Things.

Holy Hell, why do we do this to ourselves?

Let's begin at the beginning.

The tenure of my girlfriend Tanya and myself at 666 Spadina Ave #709 (The Building Of The Beast) was unduly economical; we sublet from a former co-worker of hers, Dr. Daniel Chan. $950 sounds like a lot of rent, but it's downtown, and it's in the best neighbourhood ever. EVER.
But the lease ended. Gordana, our friendly Slavic landlady, said that if we wanted to stay, it would cost us $1250! One and a quarter thousand dollars for a measly little apartment! Ho ho, we said, ho ho, we will search the Renters News and procure a new dwelling, which shall leave our arms and legs intact, and shall be greater than our previous dwelling! So we looked. And found several nice buildings for around the $950 mark. But they were midtown. Like St. Clair, even Eglinton. Which is nice, but Tanya works at Bay and Queen, and I work in friggin'* Etobicoke. So we nixed that idea. Nixed it right over the head. So, having narrowed our search to downtown, we found that the cheapest apartment that wasn't actually being shot at while we were looking at it were around $1250. Like the one we were in.
But nay! Nay, we cried! There must be a deal! There's always a deal! And there was! There was a nice apartment in a nice building at 201 Sherbourne, three blocks east of the Eaton Centre, nice and close to St. Lawrence market.... perfect! We even saw a nice, new freshly painted apartment. And then we saw the one that we were going to live in. Not pristine; it was still full of people. But we were promised unequivocably that it would be clean when we got there.
Okay. No problem.
So we get there.
Or rather, Tanya gets there. I was at work. We hired a moving company to do the heavy lifting (always hire a moving company. I've done it both ways now, and the moving company way is way better).
So now I get a phone call from Tanya, saying, "Chuck, I can't live here. It's too dirty. Come here, and buy a disposable camera on the way."

Holy fuck. How dirty can this place be?

It was actually dirtier. I've said several times since then that this was the filthiest room I've ever been in that was not in active use as a barn. And the bugs. Oh, the bugs. Remember the TVshow 'Animaniacs'? Joel does. At one point, a character known as 'Wakko' is forced to use a gas station washroom. When he opens the door, bugs skitter everywhere, and are gone in less than a second.

This place was kind of like that.

So. We talk to the old apartment, and they say that our place is rented, but we can have a slightly smaller one for $1200. We turn to the movers and say, 'Okay, boyos, pack it all up; it's all going back.' We tell the new building to insert their apartment rectally. and hopefully we'll get our deposit back.

So what else?

Giftmas was good. I got some wicked books, the R30 DVD... oh, I got a kit to build a tube amp, which should be fun... I got some tools, and X-Men Legends 2, which is righteous. And I actually made it to TWO Christmas dinners, neither of which I expected to fit into my TTC Schedule.

More later, I guess.





*fuckin'