I Long For The Dulcet Tones Of Vanilla Ice.

Hey Kids,

You know when white people try to rap?

And not in the Linkin Park way, I mean when pasty-ass white kids (as white as me) try to get all gangsta on your ass? It's worked once. Eminem did it, was good at it, and was successful. Kid Rock did it, and was successful, but I won't go so far as to say that he was any good.

And now there's Damian. Yes, his name's Damian. He's from Windsor, that hotbed of street cred and hip-hop talent. He's Polish-Canadian (moved here as a small child, so thankfully there's no accent), and he has created the worst insult to the Terpsichorean muse that the world has ever known.

Here: (click this to hear a giant douchebag bleating over bad GarageBand beats)

We've got twelve "songs" and six "beats" here. The songs speak for themselves, but I think this mongoloid just made the beats by dropping his mac down a flight of extra-lame stairs and then peeing himself.

And I'd like to skirt the edge of hypocrisy here by saying something about his potty-mouth.

I know, I am rather fond of nasty language. Sometimes too fond. I think I said 'shit' accidentally in front of my grandmother last weekend. She didn't care, but still, it's my grandma, for God's sake. Anyway, this shithead's lyrics are generally about all the pussy he definitely doesn't get. By which I mean that the songs are at least half composed of graphic descriptions of disgusting and deviant sex acts, as well as the regular sex acts, but it's sort of infused overall with the vibe that this guy has never, ever been bare naked with a girl. I mean, that's cool, save it for the one and only girl if you want, but don't rap, poorly and inaccurately, about ass that you never got. The only bits that have a ring of truth to them are the parts about masturbation.

Now, this guy's playing tonight at a banquet hall in Windsor, at an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner to benefit the Downtown Mission. Which is cool; I mean, he's helping out. But I have to wonder if this is Damian being charitable and donating his time out of the goodness of his heart or if it's the only gig he can get. The show is from 5 to 9 pm (!) and Damian will be booed off stage around 7:10.

And there's another one.

I have nothing against Christianity. Let's get that up front right here. I know there are some rather devout people reading this, and I love 'em all. I know I'm kind of a dick, but I really try to be open-minded. I was Catholic when I was a kid (which, they tell me, is a kind of Christianity), so I've developed a rather cynical world view, but I think faith is necessary and important... blah blah. For Chuck's full discourse on religion, send a 3x5 card with your name and address to 666 Spadina Ave (that is really my address - Ask Joel; he got his car towed from it).

But this next kid, from Dallas, is just like if you took Damian and took out all the bits about guns and pussy and inserted bits about Jesus and doing right and how he liked English class and his friends and stuff. Still talks about 'gettin the honeys', but he won't even say 'damn' (e.g. 'dang straight').* But everything he does is so fucking lame, it's really astonishing. It's like if Rod and Todd Flanders joined the Wu-Tang Clan. This is, siply, the most astonishingly lame thing I've ever heard. He makes Damian look like Flava Flav and Busta Rhymes combined, Voltron-style.

We have to stop this guy before he scares more people away from Christianity. His heart is in the right place, I'm sure, but the Pope would kick this guy's ass on general principle, were they to meet.

And the worst of it is... I'm ashamed to say this... he goes by the name of...

C-Money.

Which is a thing that Joe and Joel sort of call me from time to time.

Click to hear this fuckwad.

And that's enough of that shit.

By the way, in lieu of a proper website, I stuck our stuff up on the same site (It's not all losers; Snoop Dogg's on it, and Orgy, NOFX, DFA1979, Hawk Nelson (who we know(of)), Red Hot Chili Peppers, and a bunch of shite punk bands that seem to be ruling the airwaves (alexisonfire, at the disco, fall out boy, my chemical romance, and other cookie cutter emo kids)).

Honestly, check out the parentheses in the last paragraph. I am so good.

So, here we are: Vincible.

Shake it easy, people. But shake it nonetheless.

shit, I need a new signoff....

C-&?

fuck.






* Now, to me, 'dang' is only a replacement for 'damn', representing the same intent, so it's just as (bad/good/effective). It's not the word that's important, it's the thought behind it. Words are nothing but audible expressions of the thoughts we want to communicate, so if you say 'dang', you mean 'damn' and that's all there goddamn is to it.